Single Lady In Nairobi: Dating A Single Mother

Last night I read an article from the Standard newspaper ‘who will marry all the single mothers?’

A mother reading to her child. Image from http://www.inspiredblogsbyevelyn.net/Children-s-Corner.html

The author was worried that single mothers are increasing at an alarming rate. Even though he was speaking of the rural setting where young girls have at least two children before they turn 21, his attitude towards single mothers is the same one guys in the urban areas have.

Breaking news:  single mothers do not want you too. You are not strong enough to handle them.

I spoke to a friend who has dated single mothers. See, many African men especially those who are not widely travelled, will find everything wrong with dating a single mother. I keep telling girls to date a man who is widely travelled, as he will have an open mind when it comes to a lot of things. Dunda in Machakos and Nakuru 7s is not widely travelled, dear girl.

I digress.

My friend told me this: it is better to date a single mother in Nairobi, than a single woman who is between 27-31 years old.

Let me explain.

There are many reasons why there are single mothers.  Some chose to be single mothers, others dated an irresponsible man, or they are widowed or divorced. However, men in our society make them feel like they are a lesser being as though they conceived alone. They make jokes online and would not dare tell their friends that they are dating a single mother, lest they are asked ‘you want to play daddy with a kid who is not yours’

For men who have dated single mothers, this is what they have to say.

Single mothers are more humble and more giving. They know how to add value in a relationship, and they expect value in return. They have for a long time been called ‘damaged goods’ so when it comes to giving love, they are more giving. If it’s to prove they are not, that’s a different story.

They appreciate being taken care of. They do not take anything for granted. Many have not been with a good man in a long time, so when they come across a good man, they will treat him with respect and appreciate him.

They do not expect to be given. They are not the ‘nibuyie battalion’. For a long time, they have hustled for their kid and that changes their mindset. They have no sense of entitlement like the other girls of ‘come pick me, drop me’ . If it’s a date, she will most likely get herself there.

They do not hide the fact that if you want them in your life, you have to be the male figure in her life and her kid’s life. No playing around on this. If you are not man enough, you exit the stage to the left in the first few months.

Of course most of them will want a steady relationship as soon as they find a good man. That scares some men off because of the responsibilities but for the single mothers, between work, the kid and a ‘sumbua’ house girl, she has very little time to play cat and mouse games that other relationships go through.

If the man has kids, single mothers will want to know how his kids are doing and they can have conversations around it. This makes most men with kids feel different in a good way. We single ladies can go for days or months without asking if your kids are alright.

From all this, if I was a man, I would want to date a mature single mother. Humility, giving,  appreciative, no sense of entitlement, maternal and the full works.

Unfortunately, very few men especially Kenyan men can date a single mother. It may have a lot to do with the culture somebody comes from as well especially if one of the children is a boy. Other men from other races do not mind at all… and of course the widely travelled men.

I think it is time for men to rid themselves of this attitude because I feel they are missing out on having mature relations with great women. So when you are all complaining that there are no good women in Nairobi, maybe you need to open that mind a little bit.

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