Single Lady In Nairobi: Dating Them Pretty Boys

“I dated a hot guy. He was a ten out of ten, hell, an eleven out of ten! Okay, well I’m not really into rating the physical attractiveness of people because the standard of beauty is a power system instilled by the media and the patriarchy into the minds of people and whatever but for today, I have to say, this brother was fiiiiiiiinnnnnee!!!!! The tall dark and handsome stereotype had nothing on him, but the problem was he knew it. He was the living re-incarnation of every Mills and Boons male lead I had created in my mind as I read the books when I was younger.”

Handsome black man. Image from http://cuteblackmen.com/index.php/2016/04/09/cute-me-men/

Joan sighed and let her hands fall to her mug of coffee, bringing it up to her lips. The smell filled her nostrils, the bitterness simmering on her taste buds with a lingering aftertaste. It was perfect, black and unsweetened like that jerk face of a boyfriend. She was tired and hungry but she needed to finish uploading this blog post. She had been having writer’s block for the last couple of days then the idea came to her. A blog post is always a good place to rant, plus in her last blogging conference there had been a whole session on how readers like vulnerability. Who knows, maybe they’d even feel like they could relate to her situation. She put her hot mug down and let her fingers familiarize themselves with the keyboard again. It was an instrument, like the strings to the guitarist, the sticks to the drummer, and the keys to the pianist. These were her keys, tapping away, and making music with her words. Creating melody with her memories and using humor as her harmony.

She titled the post in all caps, “WHY YOU SHOULDN’T DATE STEREOTYPICALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE; ESPECIALLY MEN”.

Reason 1; the chase. “They know they’re hot. Here’s the thing. There is a set standard of beauty that has been perpetuated by the media and western entertainment especially. Whether we like it or not, it is present and there are some people who just happened to be blessed with the genes that are closer to that standardized perception of beauty than others. I’m a bit saucy with God for withholding from some of us. I mean, aren’t there enough struggles in this life already?! Anyway, these people who tend to be what the world considers attractive are fed into their attractiveness from the time they are born. First it’s, “aww her baby is so cute with that curly hair, soft brown eyes, and creamy complexion” then it’s “Aki huyu mtoto ako supuu, ataoa  mtoto yangu” for the boys from all mom’s friends. Then they reach thirteen and all the members of the opposite sex are pinning for their attention. Hormones also start asking to be addressed. Mix that with the male fragile ego and you have yourself a disastrous yet unnervingly frequent concoction. Realizing this secret power they have been given, they sit in a deep dark corner of a cave and laugh evilly as they discuss plans to avenge Adam being kicked out of the garden of perfection ‘supposedly’ because of his woman, by breaking as many hearts as possible.

Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little. Though if you listen to male conversations it does fairly often tune to the lines of who has shagged the most women aka who has left the most women high and dry after getting what they want. Thus who has broken the most hearts? Going back to my boyfriend ex. He knew his attractiveness as clearly as night knows day. He believed he could get any female he wanted. I gag at how much I hate to admit it, the only reason he stuck around long enough to date is because I am not most girls.-not that anyone is, we are all beautifully unique and different-. But I guess I gave him a challenge? I have learned from male friends after the break up that a woman who says no the first time heightens the man’s (especially if he is attractive) desire for her. It’s like a game, he comes to spectate, play, and conquer. Thus after sometime he did. He wore me down with his words, and beauty to be honest.”

Joan put her head in her hands. These unattainable standards created by society that caused insecurities big enough to make her question her worthiness of a guy just because he is cute were so frustrating. She had to teach herself to unlearn so much, maybe her readers would unlearn with her.

“I was trying to figure out what the catch was. It wasn’t until later I found it.”

Reason 2; In the Relationship. “The relationship stage, my friends, is a bowl of sour uji. Girls you know that jealous girlfriend? The stereotypical one who is always looking for drama? The one who can’t stand her man being with other women? Yeah the one who you never ever want to be? Well guess what, you will become her. Her essence will be the embodiment of your being, from the words you breathe out to the cringes your face can’t seem to stop making every time one of the many she’s “accidentally” brushes up on him. He is attractive, but you’re not the only one who sees it hey? There are many who wish they were where you are, with him. You can’t blame them, and you can’t blame yourself for reacting.

Uncomfortable silence. Image from https://blackafricanwoman.org/tag/dating/

The problem is he likes the attention. You see how his body responds to their touches. You see the looks he gives them which you thought were only reserved for you. He is used to the attention of more than one female so settling down is hard. You draw the line at getting and giving damn stranger girls’ phone numbers. Plus for some bizarre reason most of his woman friends are drop dead gorgeous. *Someone, tell me is it a thing? Do beautiful people just flock together segregated like from us kawas? Honestly someone should do a study.* He doesn’t see the problem. He thinks you’re overreacting. He chose you didn’t he? Out of everyone he could have chosen, he chose you. Like it’s a bloody honor. Like you didn’t choose him too, out of everyone you could have chosen. Like you should get on your knees and be grateful to the ancestors that this god of a man chose you!”

Joan remembered her sarcastic thank you after he had pulled that statement on her. He had rolled his eyes, the way he did when he thought she was acting up and being overdramatic. He had been hitting on the waitress while they were out together. He hadn’t even tried to ficha. That wasn’t even the worst of it though.

Reason 3; The Break-up. “You cover up a lot of his shit because he is attractive. Like he has done his whole life, he gets away with a lot because you don’t want to lose him. To be honest despite his bragging he is not all that in bed. He is all talk, and expects you to do all the work. He has this sense of privilege, that because he is all that and more, you are the one who needs to jump over loops for him, after all he can have any woman he wants. But despite how he treats you the question, ‘do I really want to go back to dating average looking guys?’ lingers in your mind like a bitter aftertaste. Plus you know how your friends will be all over your case about, ‘how you let this one go!’ eyes lusting and mouth drooling as they stare at his Instagram picture. You know the one which you spent nights lusting over yourself? The one where his six Pac peeks through his vest as he flexes his muscles and gives that heart melting smile of his. You know how mama will sigh with disappointment, saying out loud, ‘you would have had such beautiful children’. So you forgive him over and over again. He finally does the one thing you can’t forgive. He’s pulled and broken his last string. Your heart breaks in time to the music which stopped playing. You break up. He says he’s sorry. You can’t forgive him. You don’t know whether it would happen again if you did. You can’t trust that it wouldn’t.

You stalk his social media still. He’s with her. The one he broke your heart for. He’s still hella attractive. Then a few weeks after he is dating another girl”

It was the most unfair thing. She wondered if she should celebrate that at least she had dated him for a year and the one who replaced her only lasted 3 months.  Joan took a deep breath. It was time to move on. She was fine. She had been fine before him. She would be fine after.

Resolution. “I am not saying that all beautiful men are evil. God knows there probably are some who are super humble, sweet, willing to be vulnerable and committed. In my experience however, those are the ones who don’t know they are attractive. The ones who haven’t been hit with the realization that their physical attributes garner power. Maybe you’ll find yourself a good strong man like that. My advice? Don’t date beauty for the sake of beauty. I’m not going to be cliché and tell you look for inner beauty or whatever. I honestly don’t know what you should look for, seeing as how, ehh, I myself fell for that angel that fell out of heaven look in a man. I just know, his hotness/heat? And self-knowledge thereof is not it. Believe me it’s not worth it.”

If you liked this check out single lady in Nairobi: when you find him cheating!

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Single lady in Nairobi is a collection of real life stories and opinions from different women. It looks at the current world of dating in Kenya and experiences that ladies have gone through. The views and opinions expressed here are those of the contributors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of Potentash.com.

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