I hate being miserable. Its sits on me like a second skin and I can feel its invisible weight pulling me down. I almost feel like wearing all black, wearing black makeup and black nailpolish just to symbolize how down and out I am. Funny I was a goth once, a happy one and I wore all black except for black lipstick. Never mind that black is slimming for a proportionally blessed gal like me. Oh I digressed.
Nothing at this point seems to be working everything just seems to be wearing me out. School, work and relationships. Fatigue is my new best friend and I am so close to meltdown it takes everything I have in me to keep moving instead of stopping and letting everything crash around me. Considering how I have often oscillilated between being a pessimist and optimist being in one extreme shouldnt I be ok with being miserable.
I have to say misery brings out my creative side. They say that creative genious most often comes in the low then in the highs. You only have to look at most best selling novelists or famous artists when they did their best works they were down on luck, emotions or about to give up.
Maybe this time next year, ten years from now I will look back and thank God for this time for it made me a success . I would sure hope so. I would hate to think that all the misery I am going through is for nothing. All the added weight that I am gaining would be for naught. Did I forget to mention I really eat when am miserable? There goes the almost two years of disciplining myself not to emotional eat and losing weight. I need to get my act together but not today. Am to fatigued to pull the strands of my life together today. Maybe tomorrow I reach for a pen and chocolate.
With age though I have realised that misery doesnt look good on me as it used to. I have gotten addicted to being a optimist so being miserable is a drag. I want to smile and encourage someone even in this situation. I know am not alone in this. I want to get out. I want to be positive. So I keep pumping myself with music and audio mp3’s on being positive. Then things dont seem so bad. I know this season of misery will pass and when it does I want to say I did it with grace. Things will get better. Tuko pamoja.