I’ve always been the sexually liberated type ever since I learned what sex was. When exploring this new world became a priority to me, I knew I wouldn’t grow up to be the reserved, church girl that my mother hoped for. I was at peace with my sexuality. In fact, I enjoyed it. My first sexual encounter was in high school with an older boy. Most of the girls I knew were still virgins and they’d come to me for stories about boys. I was a legend.
When I joined college, things were different. More girls there were promiscuous which meant that I had to outdo them somehow to make a name for myself. I wasn’t the brightest in class, the most athletic, the leader or the fixer. But I knew how to get boys. I decided our fresher’s bash was the perfect place to make a name for myself.
Weeks before the bash, I started frequenting the common areas in my school with a new sidekick, Joan. She was a class above me but she was retaking a class that I was in and that’s how we met. After class, we decided to go to the cafeteria to get some lunch and talk about boys.
“Who’s that?” I asked one of my friends as we sat in the cafeteria.
“His name is Ken.” She replied and I stared at him for a while.
“Yea. He’s dating Miss Diva over there.” She explained.
That was more of a turn on for me. Imagine basic me taking a beauty queen’s boyfriend. He went and sat next to her and her friends then all of a sudden turned to my direction. It was as if he knew I was watching him the whole time. Of course, he got up, came to our table and introduced himself.
“Hi. I haven’t seen you around. Are you new here?” he asked in a deep, sultry voice that could send anyone in a trance.
“Yea. I’m a freshman.” I answered with a wide smile on my face.
“Great. So I’ll see you at the Fresher’s bash? I’m one of the organizers.”
“Yes. I wouldn’t miss it.”
After that, he went back to his table and we were left giggling over how unreal that was. I didn’t think it would be that easy but I was glad everything was falling into place.
Before I knew it, I was seated poolside at our Fresher’s bash hosted at a hotel. Alcohol appeared limitless and everybody was ready to have a good time. I wore a bright figure-hugging pink mini dress that showed off my toned, voluptuous body. I loved flaunting my body. It was one of my biggest assets. A number of guys complimented me on my way in which let me know I stood a chance at seducing Ken. But, he was nowhere in sight.
By the time he arrived, I was drunk and dancing on a table – not a good picture to paint but he seemed to enjoy it. This went on for about half an hour until I sobered up a little.
“You’re a good dancer.” He mentioned handing me another cup whose contents remain a mystery to this day. “I didn’t think you’re such a party girl.”
“Thanks. I didn’t know I was. This is my first real party.” Technically, it was true. Back home, the closest I came to a party was sneaking to a river bed with a group of friends. The party actually gave me a nostalgic feeling of home.
“Well, I hope you’re enjoying yourself,” he added to which I nodded and took a sip of the mysterious drink.
He was also loosening up and by midnight I had him dancing on the table with me. The night was going great and I already was the life of the party. However, I still had to finish what I started. Ken was ready to leave and asked if I needed a ride home which I agreed to. I would say yes to anything he asked.
We got in his black Subaru and I immediately put my hand on his thigh and leaned in for a kiss.
“Are you sure about this?” he asked maybe concerned that I was a virgin and would regret it later. I nodded to let him know that he could continue.
This was the most attractive guy in school, how could I not be sure. He undressed me really fast, faster than anybody I was with before. Before I knew it, his heavy breath was right in my face and I was staring up at this gorgeous man. At the heat of the moment, the last thing on my mind was me getting pregnant.
Weeks later, people were still talking about this “hot girl who was dancing with Ken”. I wanted them to call me by my name but in campus the rules were different.
Ken didn’t say much after that night, neither did I. For him, it was the guilt of having cheated on his girlfriend. For me, it was the worry of whether I was pregnant or not. The fateful day, a group of sex educators came to our school and carried out free pregnancy tests. It was like a sign from God and I knew what my results would read.
Sure enough, I was pregnant. What an embarrassing way to conceive a child, I thought to myself. This was the first time I truly thought about my reckless behaviour. What would I do with the child? Should I have it? All these were questions racing through my brain each passing day.
At the same time, my pregnant belly grew bigger and I had to tell the baby’s father.
“You’re getting rid of it!” he yelled.
Everything became so real. The thought of having an abortion ate me up inside. I may have been careless and stupid but the price didn’t have to be my baby. However, I thought about how I would raise the child. I had no source of income and I couldn’t rely on anybody, not even the baby’s father.
When I was four months pregnant, I decided to have an abortion. This was the most painful thing I ever did, not physically but emotionally. My friend, Joan was the only one there. Ken didn’t bother showing up.
Until this day, 13 years later, I haven’t been able to be intimate with a man in quite the same way. The once sexually liberated girl was now a quiet, reserved receptionist with intimacy issues. I wish there wasn’t so much stigma around abortions. I wish I was able to share what I went through with my mother. I wish for so many things but I can’t turn back the clock. I just have regrets.